A part of me wishes this story would have happened right after my dad died, when the grief was brand new. That way, maybe the way I reacted to scripture would have felt a little more justified? But alas, grief lingers and it has many layers.
So here I was, several years in to grief, going through the Psalms because for the first time in my life, I could actually relate to the desperation and despair David felt. That particular day I turned to chapter 23. I read the first verse and stopped. The Lord is my shepherd… “I lack nothing,” my version read. I stopped in anger and despair and couldn’t keep going because I didn’t believe that was true. I did lack things - a dad for one. I told God what I lacked. How could I truly say that I “lacked nothing”? I sat there with God (for a long time) in my anger and sadness until my heart softened. In my experience, that’s how He works. Gently and slowly, holding me. He told me that He has fulfilled every need - and He knows them all. It took me a while, but I started to believe Him.
On to verse 2. He “makes me” lie down in green pastures. If you know me, you know that my tendency is to keep myself busy to avoid what happens inside when I’m still. It’s hard and uncomfortable. All the tough, real feelings come out. In this verse, I heard God say “Kelsey, sit down.” He made me. In a calm and beautiful and spacious place. Where there was room for all my thoughts to roam. In a pasture. I didn’t have to keep my thoughts bottled up in my little head. He wanted them to be free, so I listened and let go. Surrendered while He walked me beside quiet waters.
Verse 3 had me back up and fighting. Forget the serenity I just felt with Him, how could He say that He guides me along the RIGHT paths?! How could losing my dad be right in His eyes?! I pictured myself actually wrestling with God. Physically, like Jacob. I wanted to trust Him, but it was very hard. I sat for a while with this verse, and I wish I could tell you that He changed my view. Gave me answers as to why it was right. But that didn’t happen. So I resorted to letting Him just be with me instead.
Verse 4 was pivotal for me. I’m not one to regularly have visions, but as I read this verse, God gave me pictures as clear as the room I was in. As I read “Even though I walk through the darkest valley,” I had tears streaming down my face as I was transported back to the carport in Louisiana where I grew up. I saw myself walk outside to let the dog out. A car came zooming down the gravel driveway. Rocks were thrown everywhere. My cousin jumped out and told me the news. I saw my legs start to crumble, and I screamed as I saw myself start to fall to the ground. As I kept reading “for you are with me,” I saw Jesus. In the carport moment. Falling just before I did so He could catch my head before it hit the pavement. I sat and sobbed for so long here. Jesus had shown me where He was during my darkest valley. He was with me.
The picture in my mind started to shift as I read the next verse. I saw myself sitting at a table that He prepared for me. In the presence of my enemies. Except when I looked around the table, the enemies were all different versions of me. Different lies I’d believed over the years. Different ways I had let Satan make me believe God was not trustworthy. That He wouldn’t come through. As He anointed my head with oil, I closed my eyes and let my cup overflow. When I opened them, those versions of me were gone.
Verse 6 might be my favorite experience with God. As I started to read this last verse, I questioned Him. Still wrestling Him, but I could feel that I was at my wit’s end, about ready to give in. God, why would your goodness and love “follow” me? Shouldn’t they lead me? I don’t know where I’m going. I need help seeing the way. How will I know where to go? A picture of me on a path flashed to my mind as I heard Him say “Kelsey, if I’m in front of you only, I will walk and you might get distracted. I know you. I might be leading, and you might venture off to the left or to the right.” Then I felt a gentle tap on the side of my shoulder when He said, “If I’m following you, my rod can comfort you. It can steer you back to the road when the world distracts you. All the days of your life. And even greater than that, you will dwell with me in my house. Forever.”
As I set my Bible to the side with tears still streaming, I thought about His goodness and love leaving a trail behind me everywhere that I go. In any and every circumstance and situation. In all the ways He’s healed me and loved me. To anyone that I meet. Letting people in to His goodness with the story that I tell. And I repeated to myself…
“The Lord is my Shepherd.”
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