Two years ago, I found myself in a difficult place. I was burnt out in ministry, disconnected from myself and my relationships, and felt unsafe with the Lord. The Holy Spirit made me aware of these things as I began to slow down my life. There were several moments over the last two years where it was tempting to speed the pace of my life back up to ignore what was within my heart and to feed the wounds that sought satisfaction in the affirmation of people in what I do. But the longer I learned to sit and be still with God, the more I became aware that my pace, unhealed wounds, brokenness, and lies from the enemy I had made agreements with had formed a false image of God. I had these false beliefs that the only way I would experience love from God was in pain and suffering. I also believed there was no margin for error. As a result, the image I created of God was this harsh, unforgiving, aloof god. A god that was only pleased through my pain and my ability to show up without errors. How could I experience the truth of God, the love that He is, and the grace and mercy He so desperately desires to extend? I couldn’t. I would preach it to others, yet I had no idea how to live in it and experience it for myself. Over time, my expectations of God to meet my needs physically, spiritually, and emotionally were low, which then led to me creating functional gods (idols) to meet them. That is a hard place to be in.
In the Summer of 2022, I stumbled into the prayer room of my church and sat on the ground as I stared at all the names of God around me. It was the first time I sat with God and began to be honest about my feelings and needs. I said, “God, I don’t trust you, and I don’t know how you are going to help me, but I want to experience who you really are.” The Spirit at that moment led me to read His names and the scriptures that went with them. I began reading Psalm 23 and got hung up on verse 4. “Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for your rod comforts and protects me.” So, I said, “Lord, You promise as a shepherd to comfort and protect. I engage you with fear, believing I must comfort and protect myself.” God began to use this Psalm to deconstruct the false image I created of Him, to remove functional gods, and to show His goodness.
It took a full year of Him bringing people to affirm this, pastors to teach on it, dreams of reciting it, and even opportunities to teach on it for my body to get to a place of feeling safe to begin doing deeper work in the dark shadow of my soul. It blows me away to think back on the details of how He continuously pointed me back to Psalm 23. The Lord was gentle and patient with me during this time. He spent a year pursuing me to show me who He really was while removing the band-aids of my life. He was restoring my soul for His name’s sake. Once the band-aids were removed, I could not ignore what was below the surface as it was beginning to bleed out in my marriage, work, and relationships. The band-aids helped me be efficient in my life, but they kept me from experiencing the truth of who God is and the abundant life He had for me. The Summer of 2023 began one of the most challenging years of my life and walk with Jesus. Why? Because as much as I was used to walking through painful experiences, I had to really begin to name the pain, sit in it, grieve it, and allow the Spirit to bring new life from it. Dan Allender says the Gospel is a perfect picture of grief and healing. Jesus experienced the pain, was buried, and rose to Life – I, too, must engage my wounds, engage the pit of grief, and allow the Spirit to bring new life. For 30 years, I would put a band-aid on what needed to heal and grieve and try to produce new life in my giftings, strength, and perception of people. That is a hard place to be, and God loved me too much to leave me there.
In June 2024, my husband and I were able to take a month-long sabbatical from work. We decided to spend two weeks of it overseas. For one of those weeks, we wanted to be secluded to sit and be still with God in silence and solitude. We found a house on the Isle of Skye in Scotland. It was a dream. Our backyard was green pastures that would be full of sheep and cattle, and there were cliffs that fell into a beautiful still ocean. One night, I sat on the back porch to watch the sunset and minister to the Lord. As I began to minister to Him, He began ministering to my heart and brought up Psalm 23. This is what I heard. “Tatum, I am your Shepherd. You have everything you need. I have brought you to green pastures and still waters for rest and peace. I have and will continue to restore your soul. I will lead you on the right path because that is who I am. You have walked through the valley these past two years, and I have comforted and protected you. Do not fear when you walk through a valley again, for I am with you. I will sit with you in the midst of battles, and I will bless you. My goodness, which is My glory, will continue to pursue you. You will be in my presence all the days of your life. Because I love you, and you are mine.”
This was a summer of joy and celebration. I stepped back into a ministry I love with a healthier heart and tools. The Lord is doing a work in my marriage, and I get to have a front-row seat at God transforming my husband as he dives into his own story and healing. I am known and fully loved in community with people. I feel safe with God and long to be in His presence, eager to share every part of my heart, even the scary parts. I now know that He delights in every part of it and will gently sift what doesn’t belong. That is who He is. A good Shepherd. Who promises to comfort, protect, and restore my soul.
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