God in the Waiting Room

Writing this now with a baby fast asleep in his crib and listening to a three-year-old and her daddy discuss the sweet ending of the Clifford movie, the waiting room seems to be less of a place of impatience and more of a quiet space where God was gently shaping my heart. Having children has brought me an immense amount of joy and sorrow at the same time. Losing two babies in the span of 3 years and longing to grow our family but not knowing what the future would hold was a tough season for a girl who always wants to know all the answers. I found myself in a place where I was not allowing myself to be fully fulfilled, or able to enjoy the blessings right in front of me. I certainly was not able to give up the expectation to control what I desired for our family. Although I knew better, my mind was constantly fixated on “what are the next steps”, “how do I fix this” and not trusting in the Lord’s goodness and plan for our family. This resulted in constant worry and fear over something I had no control over. I was believing the lies of the enemy and my spirit was broken.

But just as our God always does time and time again he would renew my spirit. He would put someone in my path who was walking the same road to encourage me and give me hope in the waiting room. He provided friends in the waiting room at my doctors appointments that sat by me, held my hand,  and said you are not alone. I have walked this same road. Friends who showed up at my doorstep with coffee, a meal or just a hug to say I love you…keep going. A community of believers who laid hands on me and prayed over me while the tears streamed down my face. Friends and family that prayed for me to have a hopeful heart and believe in God’s goodness before it happened. A physician that was a believer and saw my frustration and fear first hand, but constantly encouraged me through this journey to not give up hope. All reminding me that God is with us in the waiting, showing me that even in moments of uncertainty, his presence is a steady, guiding light that carries us through the hardest of seasons.

I learned that our circumstances are not permanent and that to be a person of joy and faith you must trust that God is who he says he is. I learned that knowing that, believing that and living that are three very different things. For those who are reading this and may feel this way in your set of circumstances, remember 2 Timothy 1:7 “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and a sound mind.” I personally listened to the song ‘Sound Mind’ on repeat all thanks to a good friend who shared that with me. It was in this season of stillness, between moments of joy and longing, that I learned to trust, breathe, and find peace in the unknown.